Slow, polluting seniors removed from Beijing city streets

According to trustworthy rumor (source: http://dazhe.haomaiba.com), Beijing will completely ban the old and middle-aged from the streets starting on 1 January 2007.

To relieve transportation pressures in the city, to continue the positive social trend of restricting small vehicles, motorcycles, and electric bicycles, and in response to insistent requests by the greater public, the elderly are now restricted. Reasoning is as follows:

1. Low speed: As everyone knows, because of their age and sense of self-preservation, seniors' legs are not that great. They move slowly; according to incomplete statistics, most seniors over 60 travel at speeds less than 0.5 kph, far slower than adults, and this has a large effect on traffic pressures; they cannot keep up with the pace of the times.

2. High pollution: Seniors' respiratory systems are in decline, and they also have their own personal bad habits; they frequently spit or blow their nose on the ground, and they litter. This has a large effect on the environment.

3. Silent movement: Seniors typically make no noise when they walk. Unlike planes, artillery, or trains, which are detectable from far off, they typically only register when they are right in front of you. This leaves little reaction time for people walking or driving and makes accidents highly likely.

4. Many hidden threats: Seniors have brittle bones; should they bump into something, they may easily be hurt. And since they cannot be repaired, fees are high for nursing care, giving an extremely high level of emotional stress to the city's residents. Many animated citizens told this reporter that when they see old people walking on the road, they stay far away, afraid of getting into an accident. And a few drivers said that even the breeze whipped up by passing cars could topple old people; they supported the government restrictions on seniors 200%.

5. A boost for other needs: If all seniors are unable to go out to buy groceries, the old people shut in at home may accelerate the development of the nanny industry, increasing the employment rates of rural women.

The regulation in detail:

From the occasion of their 60th birthday, seniors will be banned from the roads; restricted areas include all bridges, main roads, and curbs, with neighborhood roads excluded. On-site supervision will be administered by our valiant army of chengguan [urban administration]. Inspections of residents' IDs will take place at scheduled times, and chengguan have the authority to check the ID of any suspicious person. Anyone discovered to be exceeding the standard will be impounded and sent to a community control center; if in three days family members do not post bail, then they will be considered abandoned and dealt with accordingly, with no further responsibility assumed.

This reporter interviewed a random selection of young people on the street; 100% of the public supported the government's policy, and they all said that after the restrictions on small vehicles, motorcycles, and electric bikes, this once one more project done with the people in mind. The government had done a good thing for the common people.

Those people who had seen losses because of the limits on small vehicles, motorcycles, and electric bikes, also said:

When they began to restrict small vehicles I did not say anything;
When they began to restrict motorcycles I did not say anything;
When they began to restrict electric bikes I did not say anything;
So now that they've started to restrict the elderly, why should we say anything?!

These contents herein are completely fictional, any similarities are entirely preposterous!

2006-12-24